Gender Confusion
by LxZrulez
Summary: Skull was always curious about Viper's gender, and would've eagerly jumped at the chance to find out. He just never thought the path there would involve strawberry milk, a certain Chinese martial artist, and babies. Yeah. He was especially confused about that last part.


It.

Viper was an it.

Well, at least that was what Skull classified the Arcobaleno's resident illusionist as. Viper had shoulder length plum-colored hair, which was a reasonable length for both the male and female gender. Viper's figure was ambiguous, constantly hidden by the illusionist's long, form-concealing signature cloak. The illusionist's voice was low enough to pass as a boy's but high enough to pass as a girl. It was like Viper's voice dangled on the fine line between the two genders; an it through and through.

And because it was confusing to refer to Viper as either 'him' or 'her' in Skull's head, the immortal stunstman decided from now on, Viper was an it. Case closed.

…

In his mind, at least.

Now, Skull would've happily tried to find out exactly what sex Viper was if it weren't for the fact that Viper had a penchant for sending those who questioned its gender soaring across the room. It didn't take long for him and the other Arcobaleno to give up on their secret ambition. Even Reborn had been given unexpected flying lessons once or twice. It seemed the one and only exception to Viper's unspoken rules was Fon, which left the other Arcobaleno feeling left out of the loop.

Until that day they caught the two of them making out in the kitchen, that is.

And that, of course, once again brought up the question of Viper's gender. But this time the inquiry was followed with another, seemingly more pressing matter: the subject of Fon's sexual orientation.

But the two of them dodged the questions over and over until finally the subject was packed away and shoved into a mental drawer of stuff people would hopefully never bring up again, like memories of the time Verde got ridiculously drunk or of the time Lal forced Collonello into a dress as "punishment".

But still, even if the whole affair was rolled up and shoved away, it nagged Skull like an especially annoying bee reminiscent of his very sadistic senpais. He was itching to find out! But eventually the aggravating rash turned into a barely noticeable bother…until that day, at least.

**/o\/0\/o\**

It was a nice, normal Saturday morning. Skull woke up, braved his way through his junkyard of a room, and stumbled head over heels down the stairs. A grimacing Lal handed him a cup of coffee as he joined his fellow Arcobaleno at the table; Colonello was scarfing down a plate of bacon, Verde was poking his oatmeal without interest, and Reborn was polishing his guns. Viper hadn't come down yet, and Fon was out on a mission.

Then the room started shaking. Now, Skull might've just written if off as Colonello and Reborn taking another shot at each other if it weren't for the fact his two sadistic senpais were actually sitting next to each other, looking rather harmless. Odd.

Then several bangs sounded above them, like heavy objects were being tossed all over the place. Immediately, Lal, with her ninja-like reflexes, shot out of the room, Colonello and Reborn at her heels. Skull looked at Verde; the scientist shrugged and mumbled something and they too, walked out the room.

They joined the others in a throng outside of a room—the bathroom, if Skull's memory served him. Inside, they could hear Viper's low voice threading between the cacophonies in a strange melody. Then, suddenly, everything went eerily silent.

Skull gulped nervously.

Then the door swung open and Viper strode out, its mouth drawn right, and much to Skull's surprise, a vein throbbed in its cheek. The black-clad illusionist ghosted past them, murmuring a muted chant of what sounded like obscenities under its breath.

"Mammon?" Lal demanded, stepping forward to grasp the illusionist's arm. "What's wrong?"

Viper stopped and, if anything, its mouth seemed to draw even tighter. It growled something then blew away, vanishing in a rather impressive swirl of a cloak.

"Lal, what'd Mammon say, kora?!"

Lal looked confused. "Mammon said 'I am going to kill him.'" She blinked. "What's that about?"

Skull shrugged. It wasn't like any of them had any idea what was going on.

**/o\/0\/o\**

Lal's question was somewhat answered that evening when Fon returned from his mission. The door had barely shut behind the martial artist before Viper flew at him, slapping the Chinese man across the face with surprising strength.

"It's all your fault!" Viper screamed in a surprisingly high-pitched voice, drawing its hand back for another blow. "Muu! You…You…."

The plum-haired assassin seemed too enraged to articulate correctly, and opted instead to snatching Fon's wrist. It flew up the stairs, dragging a bemused Fon behind it.

Hours later Fon appeared back downstairs in time for dessert, sporting a red slap mark and an indecently huge grin. The martial artist looked distinctly pleased with himself. Viper, on the other hand, was obviously not in the same boat, if the expression on its face was any indication as it drifted in behind the Chinese man. The two of them ignored the questions tossed their way in a familiar manner, with Fon smiling enigmatically while Viper scowled darkly.

In the days that followed Fon catered to the illusionist's every fancy, waking up at ungodly hours of the night to fetch Viper strawberry milk or to bring the illusionist sunflowers and honeysuckle and stuffed penguins. The martial artist even went as far as to kicking Skull across the room when Viper demanded it. Skull, needless to say, was not pleased. And he doubted the vase he shattered was any more ecstatic than he was.

Two weeks later, Viper vanished abruptly, leaving in its wake a sudden depletion of strawberry milk and a vehement note on the refrigerator reading, "Don't bother trying to find me. If you do, I will steal all your money and torture you in your dreams. Stay the hell away from me. Signed, Viper/Mammon."

Fon began flitting in and out of headquarters, disappearing at random moments. Once Skull was waiting for the Chinese man to finish his shower; eventually the immortal stuntsman grew curious and a bit worried, and opened the (surprisingly, unlocked) door to find out what was going on. Instead of being hit in the face with a punch or kick and the sight of a naked man, he was hit head-on instead with a wall of steam and the smell of jasmine. The shower-bathtub hybrid was distinctly Fon-less. The water was still running. And the towel was missing.

Weird.

Six months later Fon too went AWOL. The remaining Arcobaleno saw not even a hair of the martial artist, and they had practically no means to find him. This was the sucky part about not having Viper around; the avaricious introvert was, hands down, the best tracker. But then again, it was probably Viper's fault Fon was gone in the first place, so Reborn supposed that wherever the two of them were, they were probably together. And that was a good thing.

…Maybe.

But life went on in its circle of donuts and duct-tape. Colonello and Lal continued their screwed up Spartan form of romance, which involved bomb-lit dinners and dodging bullet rain. Verde continued his experiments, occasionally launching into elaborate speeches about his veritable ingenuity or lapsing of maniacal, mad-scientist laughter. Reborn and Colonello continued butting heads, with poor Skull caught in between. Earth continued rotating on its axis, people tried to screw the mafia over, and Skull was constantly launched out the window, and everything was normal. Sort of.

Then, four months later, Fon came back.

**/o\/0\/o\**

The Chinese man strode gracefully through the door, dressed immaculately in Asian garb as always. Reborn and Verde looked up from their improvised chess game consisting of two-and-a-half chess boards and a couple of dynamite sticks to give him slightly bemused looks. Skull, who had been watching the rather amusing game, was a little slow on the uptake, and glanced up only when Reborn whacked him nonchalantly over the head.

"FON-SENPAI!"

Fon smiled. "Will you call the others, please?" he requested politely, still smiling benignly. Reborn nodded and shot a blank at the ceiling, then hurled Skull up into the air just because he could.

"OOF!"

Seconds later Lal and Conello charged into the room, still dressed in their training clothes.

"The hell was that, kora?" the blonde CEDEF demanded. Then he caught sight of the man who stood in the middle of the room. "Fon, kora!"

Reborn smirked. "'Bout time you noticed, Colonello."

"What was that, kora?!"

But Lal was already moving forward, peering quizzically, if a little accusingly, at Fon.

"You're back," she said. "It's about time, you know."

The Chinese man raised his hands up in an apologetic manner. "Dui bu qi, wo de hao peng you." He paused and looked around at them all, aware that all the Arcobaleno had their eyes trained on him. "I trust you are wondering about Viper as well, are you not?"

Verde shrugged indifferently while Colonello and Lal exchanged slightly guilty glances. Reborn didn't look at his friend. Skull studied his shoes. Truth be told, it wasn't that much difference, whether Viper was there or not; the illusionist was barely present, anyway. But after watching Fon's more than intimate interactions with the illusionist more times than they had cared to have, it felt wrong admitting exactly how easy it was to get along without Viper.

Fon regarded their expressions with a knowing look on his face. "Wo zuai hen ta mei ci dao duai," he murmured under his breath. Then he raised his voice. "I am sorry. That was not the reason I returned. It was actually because…Viper feels that it is time. My lover is willing to confide with you something that the five of you have no doubt been wondering about in all the time that the Arcobaleno have been together. And…I have to admit that Viper and I have not been completely honest with you. But we will remedy that, if you will listen."

He stopped talking to gaze appealingly around at his comrades. Lal shrugged and stepped forward.

"'S good with me," the blue-haired woman said. "I've kind of missed Viper's moping around, anyway."

Colonello, following his girlfriend's lead, moved to clasp Fon good-naturedly on the shoulder. "Good to see you again, kora! Hope you and Mammon have been getting along okay, kora!"

"Thank you, Colonello," Fon said.

Skull popped up. "I'm with senpai! Let's go!"

Verde got up and dusted off his lab coat. "I'm curious about the secrets you mention, Fon," the scientist said, his glasses glinting at the prospect of new discoveries. Reborn, too, was up on his feet in no time.

"Disappear like that again," Reborn said, his voice laced with a slight current of irritation. "And you will die. Very painfully." Then the infallible hitman headed for the door, the rest of them trailing behind him.

**/o\/0\/o\**

Fon led them to a peaceful Chinese-style villa tucked away in the mountains, which was surprisingly close to the Arcobaleno mansion. It was a nice place, tranquil and comfortable. The sweet fragrance of flowers drifted through the airy rooms, light and not at all overwhelming. It seemed like a place completely unconnected from the mafia, like a hidden pocket of fresh air.

There were several sudden clangs and the Varia's apron-clad Lussuria danced into the room, brandishing a plate of cookies.

"Oooh my, Fon-chan, are these the friends you said were bringing over?" the girly man sang as he quickly stuffed a cookie unceremoniously into Skull's mouth. "They are soooo cute~! By the way, Mammon's waiting for you right now~! Bossu and Bel-chan are with them!"

"Them?" Reborn muttered.

"Thank you very much, Lussuria," Fon said as he beckoned his comrades forward into a corridor.

"Anything for Viper-chan's lover-booooy~!" Lussuria sing-songed as he flounced off. "Leviiiii-chaaan~, be a dear and help me fetch some of the oolong tea!"

The corridor led off to several rooms; Fon led them to the one at the very end, and pushed aside a delicate door to reveal a spacious, light bedroom. Standing near the open window were a very disgruntled looking Superbi Squalo and a bored-looking Fran, the latter of which was humming quietly about wonderlands, hairy princes and gutting butterflies. Grouped around the bed were Xanxus, who was cradling a bundle in his arms, and Belphegor, who had that crazy grin as always. The Varia boss looked up and glared darkly at the visitors, clutching the swaddle of cloth closer to his chest. Bel snickered, flicking his knife up.

A soft, oddly recognizable voice sounded from behind the wall formed by the two assassins. "Boss, I'll take her from here."

With another suspicious glare at the Arcobaleno, the scarred man relinquished his hold on the bundle and passed it to the person hidden behind him. Bel shifted off his seat on the bed so the Arcobaleno could see with perfect clarity exactly who it was.

A young woman smirked at them, her glossy lips pulled up in a slightly amused curve. Silky plum-colored hair fell gracefully over her eyes and onto her shoulders, the tresses curling delicately against the pale, snow-white skin of her shoulders. She wore a light dress that fitted her slender frame nicely, and the feet that she swung over the bed were bare. Enigmatic, amethyst eyes glinted mysteriously from behind her bangs, as if hidden behind vines. Fleeting traces of ice-blue flashed through her irises where the sunlight struck them, present and gone like a mirage. Twin purple, fang-like shapes were prominent on her otherwise unblemished cheeks. A gold wedding ring-matching the one that was one Fon's finger-glinted in the light.

Fon moved to her side and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"Surprised?" Viper drawled, allowing a small flash of amusement onto her face as her husband moved away.

But that wasn't the most shocking part. The bundle in her arms squirmed, and a small face peeked over the blanket to blink sleepily.

"Holy shit!" Skull gasped as the baby peered bemusedly at the many people in front of her. A silken mass of raven hair coated her little head, and the eyes that were studying the Arcobaleno with interest were exact replicas of her mother's, glistening like rare jewels. "Fon-senpai and Viper-senpai had a baby!"

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious, lackey," Reborn droned as he moved forward. "She's beautiful," he said as he came to a stop near the bedside. He held his arms out questioningly. "May I..?"

Viper allowed the hitman to take the little baby into his arms. Reborn smiled in a surprisingly affectionate manner as the child squirmed and poked him curiously in the cheek, her eyes wide.

"Awww, that's so cute, kora!" Colonello exclaimed as the baby gave a little cry of bliss as Reborn tickled her gently. Fon gestured toward his child, smiling indulgently at the little girl.

"Would you like to hold her as well, Colonello?" he asked, and Colonello quickly gave a nod of confirmation. The blonde grinned as the baby turned her miniscule head and gazed interestedly at him. Lal peered over his shoulder, her lips drawn into a small smile. Verde came up behind the couple, hands in his pockets.

"She is certainly a fine specimen," the scientist complimented as Colonello gently placed the infant in his arms at his request. For once his eyebrows weren't knotted in thought; his face was lax, more endearing.

"Shishishi, of course!" Bel giggled, a gloating grin plastered all over his face. "I am a Prince, after all~!"

Verde eyed Bel like one would eye something eccentric. "What does your being royalty have to do with anything?"

"The Prince is her godfather, shishishi~! Of course she's amazing!"

"…Your reasoning is invalid and ridiculous."

"Shishi. That's what all commoners say, shishi! Proletariats know nothing compared to a Prince!"

Skull was feeling a bit left out. He looked at all the people who were crowding around Fon and Viper's child (even the ones who were having a go at each other) and felt like they had all forgotten him. Personally, he'd rather get gutted than get ignored. At least then people would know he existed.

…Granted, he probably wouldn't exist in a few moments, but then again, Skull was always a suicidal one.

"Hey, Fon-senpai, can I hold her too?" the immortal stunstman almost whined, hoping to garner their attention. The group that was clustered around the baby girl looked up, startled. Fon smiled, looking apologetic.

"Of course, Skull," he said as he gently rested the baby from Bel's arms, who had taken his turn to cradle her.

The baby stared at the stuntsman as he came forward slowly. Skull was suddenly aware of how frightening he might look to her, with his shock of purple hair and splash of strange makeup. But the infant didn't seem the slightest bit bothered. She reached her little arms out in an adoring gesture.

"Ga…wo…chi…en…," she garbled in faltering Chinese. Skull stopped in his tracks, confused. Fon paused in his movements, a small frown on his face. He shot a reproachful look towards his wife.

"Did you teach her that?"

"Sorry," Viper said, looking not the least bit remorseful.

Reborn smirked and Bel giggled. Verde shook his head, hiding his amusement fairly well. Colonello and Lal exchanged entertained looks. Even Xanxus was suppressing a small smile. Fran, who formerly wasn't paying any attention, glanced over with his eyebrows raised.

"Like mother, like daughter, eh?" the mint-haired illusionist drawled. A small smile danced across Viper's face.

Skull, who hadn't understood a single syllable the baby had uttered, was still feeling left out.

"What?" he asked, feeling stupid. Fon sighed dejectedly.

"She said, 'Give me money'," Fon explained. He shot another accusing look at his lover. Bel smirked and put an arm around Viper, sticking out his tongue.

"Shishishi, looks like Noodle-chan is grumpy!" the blonde crooned gleefully.

Fon exhaled and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. But Viper could see the way the corners of his lips twitched; all was forgiven. The illusionist slunk forward and wrapped her arms around the Chinese man's waist, cuddling in an uncharacteristically sweet way. Fon sighed and rested his cheek against her head, a small contented smile playing across his lips.

"Oi, lovebirds, kora!" Colonello yelled, effectively ruining the moment. Fon and Viper jumped slightly. "What'd you name the kid, kora?!"

"We didn't," Viper said simply. "That's why you idiots are here. Otherwise I wouldn't put up with all these organic life forms. Give her back to me," she said, reaching for her child. Skull gave her back, feeling slightly befuddled.

"Why? Did I do something wrong?" he asked, worried. Viper shook her head.

"No. It's just that in about two seconds, all of you are going to be locked in a free-for-all battle over who gets to name the kid." And the illusionist strolled out the door, dragging Fon behind her.

Approximately 1.567 seconds later, the room exploded.

"I hate it when you're right," Fon sighed dejectedly as Viper smirked smugly into his chest.

"I know."

**/o\/0\/o\**

**A/N: **I have decided. I love torturing Skull. XD

…

Yeah. Well, anyway, hope you people found this at least a little bit funny. I apologize if the characters seem OOC, but do refrain from calling me every version of 'stupid' you know. *gets shot* I'm just kidding of course~

Oh, yeah.

-The baby's "Gao wo chien" was supposed to be "Gei wo quien", which, like Fon explained, means give me money.

-"Dui bu qi, wo de hao peng-you" means "I'm sorry, my good friends."

-"Wo zuai hen ta mei ci dao duai" means "I hate that she's always right", but since my pinyin is pretty bad, that's probably not how you write it. But I did my best.

(Random: The voice I was thinking of when I was describing Viper's voice was Paku Romi's, who is a voice actress known for playing badass women and young, prodigy men. The idea of Viper having a voice like that was so catching! I mean, he/she would still sound androgynous, and…Yeah. *is deflated of her hyperness*)

Anyway, I hope you liked it!


End file.
